Drowning trying to swim in the Ocean

  Usually I have some interesting introduction, or update letting you know what's been going on lately. I think this one will start a little different. First off, I want to thank everyone who actually take the time to read these. I haven't had any comments lately, except my dad and sometimes that can get old; probably because he's my father and well, he's suppose to be supportive. Anyways, I came down here with such gusto and belief. I haven't lost it, but it's covered by such cynical belief and lost of interest. 

   My big problem comes from my own mind. I see the guys I live with, and I can just imagine what lies behind their questions and greetings. When they come in and see me on the couch asking are you OK?, or how's your day going?. To you that seems like simple questions; but to me it feels like it's more like, why are you on the couch? If your crusade for greatness is so important, how come you are still living on our couch? Respect is something I give to someone as soon as I see them. They only lose that respect when their actions prove that they aren't respectful, but forgiveness is what brings them back. 

  My life has always been straight forward and slightly ground breaking; well for me that is. I learned everything the hard way. I attempted to be the first at everything I could. I remember when I was young, I tried to be the first or best at NBA Jam, then Bomberman, then Goldeneye, and then it became Mario Kart. I was so ambitious. I wanted to be the first to have a Girlfriend out of me and my brother, I think I won that race. I wanted to be the first kid to get straight A's. I was the first to turn in my assignment; you can say I'm kind of fearless. I was the first out of my art group to turn in my portfolio to a major company for review and was torn down like wrapping paper from the walls. Now I'm trying to become the first of my family to be a successful athlete or artist. 

   Look at me though. I've been surrounded by success stories. My friend and brother Jordan Miller is on the practice squad of the Chicago Bears, his brother just got married and has a album out; my frat brother is on the fast track to go to law school at some big school like Harvard. I can't live a life that's so mediocre. I can't be average, I just can't. If I live some average life going day to day just getting a pay check and never doing something amazing, I think I'll just die. I pray to God that he should take me now, if I don't eventually do something huge. 

   So as I type, why am I here? Why am I so average? I feel like the smallest insect crossing a highway trying to reach a delicious meal on the windowsill of a 10 story building; and I haven't even left the curb yet. I just want someone or something to show I'm actually going in the right direction. My pastor told me I would be married with kid or kids. I can't even find the motivation to start dating. I can't even find a reason to be in a relationship, like I've lost the belief that they even are real. I was taught to swim by being pushed into the deep end of the pool by my brother. I learned by doggy paddling first, then treading water, then I became a incredibly strong swimmer. So now that I know how to swim by getting my degree, and certification, and training; how do I swim in the ocean called life? 

   I feel like I'm drowning, trying to swim in the Ocean. I just need help, Lord I am lazy, unfaithful, wavering, and weak. Please calm these waves or strengthen me to be stronger than this world. Help me do more, I don't want to be average anymore. Humble me, bring me closer to you and closer to my destiny. I need you.

Again I thank everyone who takes the time to read these, you are what helps me get through the day.