Conversation with the Mrs. Part II

Mrs:You look sad, what's up
Me: You, I can't find you
Mrs: What do you mean?
Me: I love Christmas don't get me wrong, but I've never been so alone. I can make believe you're here and that I'm OK with just being by myself; but the truth is I'm suffering. My friends all have moved on and I'm even more lonely than I was in Florida. I want to connect, but just doesn't seem to happen. I want to scream at the top of my lungs where are you?
Mrs: Babe...
Me: I hear Bruno Mars or Gavin Degraw on the radio and all I can think of is how  might never meet or know you. I hate hearing from couples about how you have to be happy single, and that's not fair. You find this amazing person so who the Hell are you tell me I should be happy alone? I can enjoy things alone, I can find myself enjoying silence, but all I can think of is you. How I would laugh at the cute things you do like rocking back in forward when you've had to much sugar. Or appreciate you for never putting up with my antics when it's time to be serious. Or love you for how you hug me softly when I'm stuck in my mind.
Mrs: All I can say is that you are a great person, and whenever this happens trust me, you'll appreciate me more.
Me: All I can think of is whoever you are with, how I'm not the person who is the reason for your smile, that I'm the not the guy who makes your day worth it, and I'm not that guy for you.
Mrs: Babe
Me: Never mind, this is stupid. Like I do everyday, I'll just pretend you exist and keep this to myself. Between me and God.
Mrs: I'm sorry
Me: It's not you, it's me.

Conversation with the Mrs.

 Me- I can't, I can't do relationships.
Her- Why?
Me- They don't last, it's always complicated, and it just drives people insane.
Her- That's the point.
Me-  I can't believe the point of being with someone is to inevitably break up.
Her- No, I mean the point is to feel something.
Me- Explain
Her- If you went everyday with someone and just had happiness or joy or love, then it's not real. It's fantasy. The honeymoon ends and the real work begins.
Me- See, there's that word
Her- What?
Me- Work; why is it work? Shouldn't it be the perfect or like living with your best friend?
Her- You've never been in a argument with your best friend?
Me- You got me there.
Her- The thoughts you have are normal, the real work is actually living through the tough times and still being able to look at the person by your side and knowing that you would never want to be in trouble, or encounter problems with anyone else. You still see her as a blessing instead of a burden or a choke chain.
Me- So how will I know? I can't deal with losing that person or just hitting a wall and go back to being lonely again. I can't; it will break me.
Her- You have to love her, you cannot allow your own fears drive you away from her. She is with you because she believes; all that's left is for you to believe. You can let go of what scares you, embrace every bad and good and appreciate someone who appreciates you.
Me- Thank you.
Her- It's what I'm here for.

If only this was real.

Drowning trying to swim in the Ocean

  Usually I have some interesting introduction, or update letting you know what's been going on lately. I think this one will start a little different. First off, I want to thank everyone who actually take the time to read these. I haven't had any comments lately, except my dad and sometimes that can get old; probably because he's my father and well, he's suppose to be supportive. Anyways, I came down here with such gusto and belief. I haven't lost it, but it's covered by such cynical belief and lost of interest. 

   My big problem comes from my own mind. I see the guys I live with, and I can just imagine what lies behind their questions and greetings. When they come in and see me on the couch asking are you OK?, or how's your day going?. To you that seems like simple questions; but to me it feels like it's more like, why are you on the couch? If your crusade for greatness is so important, how come you are still living on our couch? Respect is something I give to someone as soon as I see them. They only lose that respect when their actions prove that they aren't respectful, but forgiveness is what brings them back. 

  My life has always been straight forward and slightly ground breaking; well for me that is. I learned everything the hard way. I attempted to be the first at everything I could. I remember when I was young, I tried to be the first or best at NBA Jam, then Bomberman, then Goldeneye, and then it became Mario Kart. I was so ambitious. I wanted to be the first to have a Girlfriend out of me and my brother, I think I won that race. I wanted to be the first kid to get straight A's. I was the first to turn in my assignment; you can say I'm kind of fearless. I was the first out of my art group to turn in my portfolio to a major company for review and was torn down like wrapping paper from the walls. Now I'm trying to become the first of my family to be a successful athlete or artist. 

   Look at me though. I've been surrounded by success stories. My friend and brother Jordan Miller is on the practice squad of the Chicago Bears, his brother just got married and has a album out; my frat brother is on the fast track to go to law school at some big school like Harvard. I can't live a life that's so mediocre. I can't be average, I just can't. If I live some average life going day to day just getting a pay check and never doing something amazing, I think I'll just die. I pray to God that he should take me now, if I don't eventually do something huge. 

   So as I type, why am I here? Why am I so average? I feel like the smallest insect crossing a highway trying to reach a delicious meal on the windowsill of a 10 story building; and I haven't even left the curb yet. I just want someone or something to show I'm actually going in the right direction. My pastor told me I would be married with kid or kids. I can't even find the motivation to start dating. I can't even find a reason to be in a relationship, like I've lost the belief that they even are real. I was taught to swim by being pushed into the deep end of the pool by my brother. I learned by doggy paddling first, then treading water, then I became a incredibly strong swimmer. So now that I know how to swim by getting my degree, and certification, and training; how do I swim in the ocean called life? 

   I feel like I'm drowning, trying to swim in the Ocean. I just need help, Lord I am lazy, unfaithful, wavering, and weak. Please calm these waves or strengthen me to be stronger than this world. Help me do more, I don't want to be average anymore. Humble me, bring me closer to you and closer to my destiny. I need you.

Again I thank everyone who takes the time to read these, you are what helps me get through the day.

High Five the Sun

  This weekend was my semi vacation back home to the Dirty DMV. I've been waiting for time off like this for a while. I would be jet setting and cruising at high altitudes back to the mother land. So let's begin with Friday. This is going to go quick so try to keep up.
  Friday began like this, woke up in the morning, texted my friend to play some tennis, felt weird just knew today was a off day. I got there and couldn't get my game together. Ended well though, definitely improving. After that I got home and played some Dead Island with my boy Darius. Wasn't really focused in it, knew I had to catch a plane and my ride wanted to leave like 3 hours early. Come to find out that it would have made sense to leave at that time. I cut the gaming short and packed up what I thought I needed, except the Xbox; really didn't need that extra weight. Left to go to my friend Kelly's place to get her to drive me to the airport. Come to find out, I have no gas. I drive to the gas station, pay for gas but nothing comes out. I get in an argument with the attendant and he talks about my car is broken but his pumps are perfect; Idiot. After that long time we drive to Orlando, still a little pissed I sit quietly as Kelly tries to cheer me up. Arrive at the airport still 49 mins early, I take the ramp to terminal A because that's where it says Airtran is, SIKE! Mid turn the sign switches to B, so I have to drive around to the other side and find out that now I have only 30 mins. I give my insurance info and all that to Kelly and roll out. I head inside and the lady tells me I won't catch the flight, hands me the ticket, and I sprint away rolling my eyes. Get to the check out, have to head to the other side because they close the other clearance areas after 8, they make me take my shoes and belt off. The resend my back make me take the Xbox and laptop out of my bag.
    Ugh, it' was hard enough to put it in the bag, now you're asking me to take it out. OK, get through and now I have to take the water bottle I forgot in there out and they throw away my toothpaste..... CRAP! Rush to the train only to see the doors close as I get there. Great, another reason to want to punch out security. Tell guy at that I have 14 mins to get to the gate, he sucks his teeth and says "Good luck with that." Get on train, ride about have a second, get off and sprint to the gate to hear my name over the over head; "Last call for Christopher Clarke." Get to the gate to find out that was a joke because they saw me sprint to the gate. I get on the plane fly home, land get my ride home, eat at Ihop with pops; get home to the delight of myself and see my glorious mattress, oh how I've missed you.
    Saturday comes; wake up to go to the Annapolis DMV and wait patiently to get my license renewed. Great person behind the counter I knew today was going to be a good day. Terence hits me on the phone asking what's good, I reply but don't hear from him for the rest of the day. I go to sick Italian place named "Squisit". I get home feeling fat and rest for about 3 hours with no sleep. I get a call from my bro to do some frat stuff tonight and I agree to get out of the house. Spent a great few hours with my bros, then slept on his couch. Woke up finished the frat business around 3, met up with my best friend to eat at chipotle Gross. Great day, dropped off at home for 2 hours, then get the the call from my best friend to hit the club scene and hang for roommates birthday. I get there and plenty of white drunkards around. I get a few drinks in my and off to a great night with my boy Nick from College park. Saw my cousin Ryan in the club and his girlfriend. I had a great night even though i got hit on by a old woman literally, 13 year old ABDC dancer, and a super drunk girl who didn't know rhythm, and that's coming from me. We leave the club at 4 am and my best friend got her mack on with some dude, who knows his name. Get home sad because the weekend is over.
   Sunday comes around, no time for church; no hang over which is typical but I feel great. I get a ride to the airport after saying bye to the fam and have a great beagle. I get to wait while watching the Giants suck on national TV; so weekend is getting better. I get on the plane and am surrounded by hot women, except the one sitting next to me is sick. Either way still didn't have a bad plane ride. I get off the plane in cloudy ATL, eat some cashews; then have another cashew bag. Bad Idea; get on the plane and am sent straight to the bad. Sucked that I sat with now window. Take off and the flight attendant is banging, and so is the woman sitting next to me. Stomach starts to feel queezy, great. Come to find out I have bad food poisoning. I sit and try to sleep as we hit turbulence because of the great story in Florida. I'm sweating and just every bump gets me closer to the inevitable. We finally get ready to land and we hit one last bump before we hit the ground and Upchucks the boogie. Praise him that I was in the back as the attendant just gave me a bag and boom, no more chance of getting that number.
   I sit upchucking in a bag as my mind is like crap so much for being cool. We land I get to the bathroom and clean off my hair because it has breakfast, lunch, and cashews in it. I leave to find everyone off the plane and a stain on my jeans that looks like a pee stain. Great, another bad day as soon as I get back to Florida. I head out and get in the car still feeling like the slightest movement will end in another irruption. This was only the beginning since it was firing out of both ends. I get driven home, and get all my stuff back and even foxy mystang is happy to see me. I get to the apartment and crash right on the couch. Get a call the next day that finds out he was in a motorcycle accident and is in a coma, come on man, even worst he was on the way back from visiting my house and I wasn't home. Thanks karma. I could have seen him on Saturday but he was checked in as John Doe. So now I sit and wait for the results. Great weekend I guess. Spent more time on a plane high fiving the sun, rather sleeping in my house.
   Great weekend, the perfect adventure and exactly what I like living in life. Constant movement. The End.

Writing in the Sand

    I haven't really blogged for a week or so. It's not because things haven't happened, but more so because I've been striving through and not trying to be Emo like a brother of mine usually says I do. Now I come to find out that this is my only outlet for my mental status. So far it feels like the world is great, but it's people are against me. I've never met such physical opposition till I arrived here. First my boss promises a promotion that she just hired someone else to get, then my family is now giving constant flack on giving them more money that I don't have. Now I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong again!
     This seems like a constant thing in my life; when money runs short, then I start to doubt my cause. On top of doubting, I have people constantly questioning my purpose to the point where I wonder if it even matters anymore. Nothing in this world is written in stone. the things in my life are more like written in sand. When the wind blows it erases any destiny that I thought I had. My real thought about this life is, how do I become great? Without adversity, there can be no glory. At times I don't feel strong enough to do this, or do anything but to be mediocre. What kind of life is that though?
      It really is difficult to be the first out of your family or out of anyone you know to do something that is bigger than yourself. I know so many great people who have great aspirations and achieve it. the thing is, how do I do that? Like foot prints in the sand we fade into nothing, and live in his glory forever. So how do we effect change? How do we effect something that even after we go leave a ripple behind? How do you become great? I work so hard, but am I making a difference? Am I even close to greatness, or should I even care?

      I've prayed a lot lately and even started to cry in the car because of how passionate living for others I am. So what can I do now to turn such a bleak lifestyle around? Like a SOS on a deserted island I carve help into the sand, hopefully God speaks.

Trouble in Paradise!

  Today was a long day. I had to write this blog at 3:30 am so I could get all of it out while it was still fresh. Work was OK, but I felt like it wasn't what I was suppose to be doing. I was excelling, but at what? At selling games? I love games and just the stories, the adventures, and the conflicts, and everything, but it isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. So I kind of drifted through the day, doing great numbers and just trying to get through it.

  I remembered that I talked to a sorority sister of mine and she tells me to get my hair done tonight right after work because it's the only time she has for me. So I do that I drive, tired, and ready for sleep to her home in Daytona. I arrive and she is on the phone doing a Bible study. I talk to one of her Neos and joke around; but really I'm listening to the message they were talking about over the conference call Bible study. They were talking about giving and giving all of one's self to Christ, but not being required for tithes. Now don't get them wrong, they were saying the greatness of tithing ten percent and all, but that wasn't the point. The point was, that if you are going to follow Christ you give what you can and you give the rest meaning yourself and not your money to God.

  If you give What is due to him then he will instruct you, with what to do with the rest of the 90% of your money. Now I realize that giving all of yourself is a lot because I did it to come down here. The funny thing is that, her neo tells me that this wasn't even the topic of the Bible study she was suppose to be on! So already my ears are perked up because, God's talking to someone! So I sit and get my dreads cleaned up and realize it's 2 am. I'm literally pawning to get out because I'm so tired. I tell everyone bye and leave out the door and head to the car, get in and drive away.

 You would think that's the end of the night; and you'd be wrong. So I get literally 45 seconds from the apartment complex and get pulled over by a cop car who pulls up next to me at a stop light, then reverses to pull behind me. I say why am I getting pulled over, the car is fine. He tells me that my tag light is out! MY TAG LIGHT! Who gets pulled over for a tag light? At this time Eminem is playing on the radio. he asks where I work and I say Gamestop inc. He tells me, you're lucky I'm a gamer, he says I'm giving you a warning. I'm like praise God, but I forget that my drivers license expired in July and I have to get back to MD to renew it! I'm like come on God! When it rains, it pours right?

 So I sit in the car and see a motor cop pull up. I'm like OK Chris, you're going to jail. Game over Bro, you did what you could here and now you're getting sent back to MD. The funny thing is that, the cop actually waves off the white motor cop. So I sit thinking OK this is a slight good sign. I sit, and then I begin to pray, saying God, OK, I couldn't ride on grace forever, he's going to ticket me or take me away. So I turn my radio dial to 88.3 after surfing and just wanting to be encouraged. Nothing was on that I knew on 88.3, but the cop walks up to the car and says these exact words, " Now, I heard you listening to Eminem when I pulled you over, and now you're listening to 88.3; what you know about that?". I pause and am speechless. Then God starts talking through the radio with the song that says our blessings come through rain drops, what if our lessons come through tears. I tell him I'm in a christian fraternity, I'm a firm believer and that it's all I know. He says you have a church home? I reply and say no, but I'm still looking.

  he turns over the paper and hands me his information, Officer Jermaine. he tells me it's non denominational, and come as you are. I was floored. he offers his hand, and on his wrist says I Heart Jesus. I was like JESUS CHRIST! He hands me a warning, and a offering to a church. He didn't know me, my eyes were read from scratching them, and he hears Eminem when walking to the car. He could have done whatever he wanted, but instead God spoke. I told him my leap of faith and he applauded me. God I hear you man, I mean I hear you! Just help me, I'm trying to make right decisions and I'm going to go to this church. You are so Great! So if you see trials in your life, and you see burdens, and you see things not going your way. Remember, those problems, might just be blessings in disguise.

Rising Tide

  Here I am, sitting on the floor after a long somewhat successful day and contemplating quitting it all. I spent most my day playing video games and training at the tennis court, but I've come to see that maybe God has changed his mind. I've been walking this path thinking that I'm doing the right thing, maybe it's time to just go the other way, the more financial way. So I drank a beer, had a subway sandwich and toasted to the end of the dream. I give in, I quit, I will walk into an office building get a job and just move on from this pipe dream.

  One thing that all of these successful dream catchers have is support. They eventually hit the breaking point when things start developing and blooming like a flower. Me, I moved, I got broke, then I got more bills and then I got broker. The more I try the more it seems like the entire world is stepping up to knock me down. it can't be coincidence that as soon as I begin to make another leap, a wall shows up. I guess it's over. I haven't heard from my coach in so long, truth be told I think he and the other tennis coaches think I'm crazy and I'm probably some inside joke now.

 I haven't heard from my pastor and feel like the world is just pulling me down. I have nothing to work from. I don't have a stone to step on and trusting God is more like telling me to ask for help from someone who is telling me to do something else. I dunno, I just need help. This rising tide seems more like a tidal wave.