Drowning trying to swim in the Ocean

  Usually I have some interesting introduction, or update letting you know what's been going on lately. I think this one will start a little different. First off, I want to thank everyone who actually take the time to read these. I haven't had any comments lately, except my dad and sometimes that can get old; probably because he's my father and well, he's suppose to be supportive. Anyways, I came down here with such gusto and belief. I haven't lost it, but it's covered by such cynical belief and lost of interest. 

   My big problem comes from my own mind. I see the guys I live with, and I can just imagine what lies behind their questions and greetings. When they come in and see me on the couch asking are you OK?, or how's your day going?. To you that seems like simple questions; but to me it feels like it's more like, why are you on the couch? If your crusade for greatness is so important, how come you are still living on our couch? Respect is something I give to someone as soon as I see them. They only lose that respect when their actions prove that they aren't respectful, but forgiveness is what brings them back. 

  My life has always been straight forward and slightly ground breaking; well for me that is. I learned everything the hard way. I attempted to be the first at everything I could. I remember when I was young, I tried to be the first or best at NBA Jam, then Bomberman, then Goldeneye, and then it became Mario Kart. I was so ambitious. I wanted to be the first to have a Girlfriend out of me and my brother, I think I won that race. I wanted to be the first kid to get straight A's. I was the first to turn in my assignment; you can say I'm kind of fearless. I was the first out of my art group to turn in my portfolio to a major company for review and was torn down like wrapping paper from the walls. Now I'm trying to become the first of my family to be a successful athlete or artist. 

   Look at me though. I've been surrounded by success stories. My friend and brother Jordan Miller is on the practice squad of the Chicago Bears, his brother just got married and has a album out; my frat brother is on the fast track to go to law school at some big school like Harvard. I can't live a life that's so mediocre. I can't be average, I just can't. If I live some average life going day to day just getting a pay check and never doing something amazing, I think I'll just die. I pray to God that he should take me now, if I don't eventually do something huge. 

   So as I type, why am I here? Why am I so average? I feel like the smallest insect crossing a highway trying to reach a delicious meal on the windowsill of a 10 story building; and I haven't even left the curb yet. I just want someone or something to show I'm actually going in the right direction. My pastor told me I would be married with kid or kids. I can't even find the motivation to start dating. I can't even find a reason to be in a relationship, like I've lost the belief that they even are real. I was taught to swim by being pushed into the deep end of the pool by my brother. I learned by doggy paddling first, then treading water, then I became a incredibly strong swimmer. So now that I know how to swim by getting my degree, and certification, and training; how do I swim in the ocean called life? 

   I feel like I'm drowning, trying to swim in the Ocean. I just need help, Lord I am lazy, unfaithful, wavering, and weak. Please calm these waves or strengthen me to be stronger than this world. Help me do more, I don't want to be average anymore. Humble me, bring me closer to you and closer to my destiny. I need you.

Again I thank everyone who takes the time to read these, you are what helps me get through the day.

High Five the Sun

  This weekend was my semi vacation back home to the Dirty DMV. I've been waiting for time off like this for a while. I would be jet setting and cruising at high altitudes back to the mother land. So let's begin with Friday. This is going to go quick so try to keep up.
  Friday began like this, woke up in the morning, texted my friend to play some tennis, felt weird just knew today was a off day. I got there and couldn't get my game together. Ended well though, definitely improving. After that I got home and played some Dead Island with my boy Darius. Wasn't really focused in it, knew I had to catch a plane and my ride wanted to leave like 3 hours early. Come to find out that it would have made sense to leave at that time. I cut the gaming short and packed up what I thought I needed, except the Xbox; really didn't need that extra weight. Left to go to my friend Kelly's place to get her to drive me to the airport. Come to find out, I have no gas. I drive to the gas station, pay for gas but nothing comes out. I get in an argument with the attendant and he talks about my car is broken but his pumps are perfect; Idiot. After that long time we drive to Orlando, still a little pissed I sit quietly as Kelly tries to cheer me up. Arrive at the airport still 49 mins early, I take the ramp to terminal A because that's where it says Airtran is, SIKE! Mid turn the sign switches to B, so I have to drive around to the other side and find out that now I have only 30 mins. I give my insurance info and all that to Kelly and roll out. I head inside and the lady tells me I won't catch the flight, hands me the ticket, and I sprint away rolling my eyes. Get to the check out, have to head to the other side because they close the other clearance areas after 8, they make me take my shoes and belt off. The resend my back make me take the Xbox and laptop out of my bag.
    Ugh, it' was hard enough to put it in the bag, now you're asking me to take it out. OK, get through and now I have to take the water bottle I forgot in there out and they throw away my toothpaste..... CRAP! Rush to the train only to see the doors close as I get there. Great, another reason to want to punch out security. Tell guy at that I have 14 mins to get to the gate, he sucks his teeth and says "Good luck with that." Get on train, ride about have a second, get off and sprint to the gate to hear my name over the over head; "Last call for Christopher Clarke." Get to the gate to find out that was a joke because they saw me sprint to the gate. I get on the plane fly home, land get my ride home, eat at Ihop with pops; get home to the delight of myself and see my glorious mattress, oh how I've missed you.
    Saturday comes; wake up to go to the Annapolis DMV and wait patiently to get my license renewed. Great person behind the counter I knew today was going to be a good day. Terence hits me on the phone asking what's good, I reply but don't hear from him for the rest of the day. I go to sick Italian place named "Squisit". I get home feeling fat and rest for about 3 hours with no sleep. I get a call from my bro to do some frat stuff tonight and I agree to get out of the house. Spent a great few hours with my bros, then slept on his couch. Woke up finished the frat business around 3, met up with my best friend to eat at chipotle Gross. Great day, dropped off at home for 2 hours, then get the the call from my best friend to hit the club scene and hang for roommates birthday. I get there and plenty of white drunkards around. I get a few drinks in my and off to a great night with my boy Nick from College park. Saw my cousin Ryan in the club and his girlfriend. I had a great night even though i got hit on by a old woman literally, 13 year old ABDC dancer, and a super drunk girl who didn't know rhythm, and that's coming from me. We leave the club at 4 am and my best friend got her mack on with some dude, who knows his name. Get home sad because the weekend is over.
   Sunday comes around, no time for church; no hang over which is typical but I feel great. I get a ride to the airport after saying bye to the fam and have a great beagle. I get to wait while watching the Giants suck on national TV; so weekend is getting better. I get on the plane and am surrounded by hot women, except the one sitting next to me is sick. Either way still didn't have a bad plane ride. I get off the plane in cloudy ATL, eat some cashews; then have another cashew bag. Bad Idea; get on the plane and am sent straight to the bad. Sucked that I sat with now window. Take off and the flight attendant is banging, and so is the woman sitting next to me. Stomach starts to feel queezy, great. Come to find out I have bad food poisoning. I sit and try to sleep as we hit turbulence because of the great story in Florida. I'm sweating and just every bump gets me closer to the inevitable. We finally get ready to land and we hit one last bump before we hit the ground and Upchucks the boogie. Praise him that I was in the back as the attendant just gave me a bag and boom, no more chance of getting that number.
   I sit upchucking in a bag as my mind is like crap so much for being cool. We land I get to the bathroom and clean off my hair because it has breakfast, lunch, and cashews in it. I leave to find everyone off the plane and a stain on my jeans that looks like a pee stain. Great, another bad day as soon as I get back to Florida. I head out and get in the car still feeling like the slightest movement will end in another irruption. This was only the beginning since it was firing out of both ends. I get driven home, and get all my stuff back and even foxy mystang is happy to see me. I get to the apartment and crash right on the couch. Get a call the next day that finds out he was in a motorcycle accident and is in a coma, come on man, even worst he was on the way back from visiting my house and I wasn't home. Thanks karma. I could have seen him on Saturday but he was checked in as John Doe. So now I sit and wait for the results. Great weekend I guess. Spent more time on a plane high fiving the sun, rather sleeping in my house.
   Great weekend, the perfect adventure and exactly what I like living in life. Constant movement. The End.

Writing in the Sand

    I haven't really blogged for a week or so. It's not because things haven't happened, but more so because I've been striving through and not trying to be Emo like a brother of mine usually says I do. Now I come to find out that this is my only outlet for my mental status. So far it feels like the world is great, but it's people are against me. I've never met such physical opposition till I arrived here. First my boss promises a promotion that she just hired someone else to get, then my family is now giving constant flack on giving them more money that I don't have. Now I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong again!
     This seems like a constant thing in my life; when money runs short, then I start to doubt my cause. On top of doubting, I have people constantly questioning my purpose to the point where I wonder if it even matters anymore. Nothing in this world is written in stone. the things in my life are more like written in sand. When the wind blows it erases any destiny that I thought I had. My real thought about this life is, how do I become great? Without adversity, there can be no glory. At times I don't feel strong enough to do this, or do anything but to be mediocre. What kind of life is that though?
      It really is difficult to be the first out of your family or out of anyone you know to do something that is bigger than yourself. I know so many great people who have great aspirations and achieve it. the thing is, how do I do that? Like foot prints in the sand we fade into nothing, and live in his glory forever. So how do we effect change? How do we effect something that even after we go leave a ripple behind? How do you become great? I work so hard, but am I making a difference? Am I even close to greatness, or should I even care?

      I've prayed a lot lately and even started to cry in the car because of how passionate living for others I am. So what can I do now to turn such a bleak lifestyle around? Like a SOS on a deserted island I carve help into the sand, hopefully God speaks.